Law & Society

Essential divorce, child custody and support information for men at any stage of divorce. By Katherine A. Elias, Custody Evaluator and Licensed Professional Counselor. For a father, the most painful aspect of the end of a marriage (if it has been initiated by his wife) is the “loss of” the daily contact with the children. In most cases, especially when the children are very young, the mother will be awarded custody and the father becomes a parent that does not live with his children.

For men who were not involved in raising children during the marriage and saw them mostly on weekends, the situation after the divorce would not be so different. In fact, sometimes fathers are with their children more hours after a divorce than previously. It then becomes more important to invest in building or strengthening relationships and preserving the existing relationship with your children.
Today there is more equality between people, especially when both partners have careers. When parents separate, they may set a parenting order reflecting the partnership in parenting that existed during the marriage. That constitutes a form of joint custody.

Following the incidence of divorce in Western countries, many studies have focused on dealing with children of their parents' divorce. One of the topics studied is the relationship of children with their father, who does not live with them permanently. Studies have shown that one of the factors that influence children's coping with divorce is continuity in their relationship with their father. Children were better off when their father kept them in touch over time. Children were injured when their father disappeared from their lives, whether gradually or suddenly. It turns out that the quality of the relationship with the father and child is more important than frequency of contact. In other words, “more time” not necessarily “better relationship.” It is also important that the bond between a father and a child be stable and consistent.

Whether within marriage or after divorce, the father-child relationship is important to the child's proper development as long as the relationship is positive (at least “reasonable”). In cases where the parent neglects or abuses a child physically or verbally, it is preferable that the connection will be limited, under the care of another person or not at all take place. On the other hand, a significant loss of contact with a parent who was close to the child during the marriage may hurt him. Results of studies show that boys suffer more than the lack of a father than girls.

Beyond general information about the importance of fathers in their children's lives, additional studies give information that can guide divorced dads in trying to be good fathers. The findings relate to the different roles that fathers play and the importance of filling all those roles after divorce.

Both parents contribute to their children's security. However, fathers often end up paying child support to mothers. And this is sometimes vital for the safety of children. Economic pressure following the divorce affects children directly; mothers that strain to “make ends meet” have less time and energy to devote to their children. But the father's role does not begin and end by financially supporting their children. Continuity of income is important, but children need much more than that.

Studies show that children of divorce need a father interested in their behavior at school. They need a father, who does not hesitate to discipline and is an authority figure. In other words, it is important that the divorced father have the opportunity to fill all the roles of a parent - not allow him to be limited to being the “ATM” or simply as a provider of entertainment and amusement.

Involvement of parents in children's lives varies with the age of the child. Relationships develop in early childhood through physical therapy with a child (eating, washing, etc.) and expressions of warmth and love.

For children of school age, school and parents contribute to their psychological development by providing assistance with their homework and providing training and encouragement in learning about values, behavior and society.

A vast field of research has focused on fathers, who were unusually involved in their children's lives. It was a wave of research that began in the mid-70’s by people like Graham Russell, which followed families in which fathers were the primary caregivers for their children or participating in childcare evenly, and explored the impact of this fact on the development of children.

The first wave of research findings presented surprising results for the studies. Children brought up mostly by fathers did better than children who were educated in traditional settings. I think the reason is that fathers raise better children than mothers, but the studies took families that constitute a unique population - families in which fathers and mothers were able to divide their responsibilities in a manner consistent with their personal values and goals. These were studies of families where men wanted to stay home and work where they could organize their time flexibly. All mothers in families studied did not want to settle for staying home with the kids as a full-time mother.

However, these studies emphasized the tremendous importance of the recognition that fathers are a fundamental part in the family. In these families, the important point was that harmonic relationships and harmony between the parents spread the benefits among children. In other words, we see evidence that instead of examining only the individual characteristics of mothers and children, we must also examine their relationship with others.

Parenting is a challenge to us all, but an increased challenge for divorced dads is sometimes having less time with their children. Some divorced dads give up their pain and gradually reduce the contact with their children. Others put an emphasis on entertainment and amusements and buying expensive gifts so children will want to be with them.

The truth is, kids want a good relationship with the father, and that requires a balance between all the parts that apply to a good parent. Despite the fact that time together is limited, there is no need to sacrifice the quality of the connection.

Fathers should be encouraged to take as active a part in their children's lives as possible. A father's decision to remain committed and dedicated to his children after divorce contributes greatly to the development of his children.